To The Greatest Man

On march 30th the world lost one of their greatest souls. My Dad. Colon Cancer took him away from us. He fought a good battle but he was tired and he just couldn't hold on anymore.

This has been one of the worse things that could ever happen to me. I was "Daddy's Girl" so we were very close. He was my best friend. He always knew how to put a smile on everyone's face. He would give you the shirt off of his back if needed.

He was sweet, loving, smart. and funny. I don't know how i will get along without him. I didn't realize just how much he did for me and my mother. I miss him so much. I wish i got to say goodbye to him. He did say that he loved me the last day that i saw him. So that is comforting to know that he loved me still. I beat myself up cuz i didn't get to say my proper good bye to him the final day i saw him. I thought i would have the next day to hang out with him and try to watch the jazz game with him. I kick my self in the ass all the time for not seeing him that last day he was here. I should of stayed the night. He shouldn't have died in the hospital by his self.

He was an awesome father, and husband. I wish i could write more but my eyes are burning with tears.

But I miss you daddy...Wish you were here right now but i know you are in a better place.

Love, Marriage, and Hipocrisy

Things in the world are really pissing me off. One of my best friends is in love. Don't worry this isn't what is pissing me off....Its the fact that they cant express it to the world because if they reveled their sexuality preference, they will probably lose their job, be called horrific names, be judged, and become an outsider to the world. This makes me mad because this person should have the right to love whoever they want and not be punished about it. It totally makes me sad that they can't shout their love upon the mountain tops and to anyone who will listen. It is sad that we live in a world that thrives on double standards. "oh lesbians and gay men can't get married because it is against the sanctity of marriage and its against God, but it is ok for straight people to get married and divorced as many times as they want to and go on reality shows to use marriage as a publicity stunt or get married for 56 hrs and then divorce just for shits and giggles. But then it isnt just about getting married, its just about equal rights. Its for people to happy and to date and show affection to in public places without being damned for it. And Monkey Slut, if i could give you my rights to love and get married, i so would because i really don't need it...I love you!!

A Story That I Need To Finish Soon....

Ok, so i started this story like a year ago and have been stuck on what else to write and how to rewrite to make it sound better but here's what i have and tell me what you think....Oh yeah, some of you have may already read this but give it another go head please.....



The smoke slowly crept out of the gun
Everything seemed to be going in slow motion to her; her lowering the gun, him falling to the floor with eyes open wide with a look of shock spread across his face. Everything snapped back into motion when he screamed out.

"Why?"

"You fucking little bitch! You fucking shoot me? Do you know who I am?" He asked while holding his stomach. The small girl in the flower dress walked over to him with intensity in her eyes.

"You know what you did", she said with tears in her eyes. "You know what you did!" The little girl pointed the gun at the man's head.

"Jace, no." he pleaded. He tried to grab the gun from her but missed and he screamed out in pain. "Oh, God!"

"God isn't here Dan, and if He was I don't think He would like you screwing little girls. Do you Dan? Do you think God would be proud that you stick your dick in the innocent and pure! Answer me you piece of shit!" She hit him with the pistol.

He spit out the blood that was flowing out of his mouth. "No!" he cried out, "I'm sorry Jace, I'm so sorry please have mercy on me. I'm a sick man who needs help." He looked at the blood spilling from is stomach. "Please take me to the hospital. Please I beg of you."

She lowered the gun and started to walk away from him. "Save your begging old man, it falls upon deaf ears and as for mercy; it has no place in this house, your fate is sealed. You signed your death wish when you touched the others; when you touched me. She stopped in her tracks to face him. And you, you sick son of a bitch. You fucked with the wrong twelve year old!"

"Wait! No!"-

The gun went off one more time and Dan's screams finally ended.

SIX YEARS LATER:

Jace stared at herself in the full length mirror and sighed. She hated her uniform, hell she hated her job altogether. Her pink and sea green polyester maid outfit made her itch and break out in hives. But she couldn't complain too much, they paid her the right amount and they do it under the table so she didn't have to worry about taxes and I.D.'s. She couldn't have too many people asking questions about her. She always had to stay on her toes. Her place wasn't the biggest but it had four walls, a bed, and a hot shower and that's all she needed. She looked at herself one last time before she headed to work. Even though her uniform was tacky the pink complimented her ebony skin. She smoothed down her dress then turned to the side to check out her profile. She made a funny face then said to her reflection. "Go make the world a better place." She rolled her eyes, grabbed her keys and pocket knife off the nightstand and headed out the door. Since she didn't live in the safest of the neighborhoods, having protection was very much needed especially at four in the morning. As soon as Jace pulled the key out of the lock she felt a hand on her shoulder and heard a voice.

"And where do you think you are going little girl?" Jace screamed as she jumped and reached for her knife. She was about to use it until she saw who it was.

"Oh my God! Mr. Tucker! You scared the shit out of me." She loosened the grip of the knife. "What are you doing out here?"

"Oh I'm sorry sunshine." Mr. Tucker was Jace's 75 year old neighbor. He was one of the few people that she talked to at her apartment complex. In the two years that she had lived there they have saved each others life at least once. He was a short man with balding gray hair and a potbelly. "I'm out going for a walk, the damn doctor says that I need exercise or I'm gonna have another damn heartattack." He looked down at his feet with defeat in his voice when he said it. "I think i have lost enough weight don't you think?" He did a little spin for her. Jace just smiled and nodded. "Besides," he continued. "I cant lose too much or the ladies at the senior center will be highly disappointed." He patted his stomach. "I remind them of Buddah, so I tell them to rub it and see what kind of luck it will bring them."

He started to laugh but a coughing fit put that to a stop real quick. "Ah, but sunshine you know how that goes."

"Yeah I know. But the doc just wants you to get better and so do I. So the walking is good but don't you think its a little early to do it? I mean even the sun isn't awake yet, are you sure it is safe?"

"Yeah I'll be fine, it wont be like last time. I wont be bedridden with the flu. You gotta remember, I may have snow on top but there is still fire in the belly."

Jace looked at her watch. "Well I gotta go sir. You take care ok?"

"Will do sunshine." Mr. Tucker waived then started to walk past her. Jace walked towards her car and started the engine. The Honda Civic gave a little resistance but then roared like a lion. On the radio, disc jockeys were talking about last night's local baseball game, then they started on weather.

"Well Ace and Jax, its gonna be another lovely day in Raven's Gate." said the bubbly weather girl. "Seventy and sunny all the way through friday then we will have light showers."

Jace turned off the radio and enjoyed the silence the rest of the way to work. She already knew that this was going to be a bad day, but she always felt that way about her work. The Lonely Star Motel. The most shadiest motel in the whole town. In her six months of working as a housekeeper, she had seen some things goin on in and outside the rooms: dead bodies, junkies, working girls and city officials in very compromising positions. The lowest of the low did their business there. And she was the one who cleaned it up.

"You're late!" yelled a voice from the front desk. "Where the hell have you been?"
"It's four-thirty in the morning." Jace yelled back, "I'm not suppose to be here til five. What the hell are you talking about Brian?"

Brian walked around the desk and pointed at the clock. Brian looked like a wet rat. Slicked back unkempt hair, pasty white skin and only weighed a buck fifty, and for some reason he always smelled like burnt popcorn.

"It's five thirty miss smart ass! I know you didnt graduate but i know you can tell time." He smirked to himself.

Sigh.....

....Well it finally happened, one of my worst fears: My diabetes has become so bad that the doctor put me back on insulin. I said that i would kill myself before they put me back on that stuff but here i am writing about it......


Its kinda funny, when you wanna die, that's all you can think about but as soon as you hear that you are close to dying you do everything in the world to stay alive.

I was diagnosed with diabetes almost seven years ago three months right after my grandmother died. When i found out, my blood sugar was 650 (if you aren't really familiar with diabetes that is really really really high) the doctor was shocked that i hadn't gone into a coma or have diabetic shock or even died. They admitted me to the hospital for three days, my first time being in a hospital since i was born. And i hated it with every fiber of my being and i swore that i would never be in that situation ever again. But here I am six years later BEGGING to be admitted because my blood sugar is high and it feels like I am dying and i don't want to die.

Well a couple of days have passed and I FINALLY get to see a doctor. Josh is his name, go figure. He gives me a look over and he doesnt like what he sees. So he puts me on insulin and tells me to stick myself four times a day for the next two weeks and hopefully things will get better and i go back on the pills again......The pills gave me a false sense of security, made me pretend that i was actually normal and i could do what everyone else was doing, eating and so on. But with the needles it forces me to acknowledge my disease, that I am a diabetic and i need to take care of myself before things get much much worse.....

But all i can really say to that is sigh.......

Untitled Memories

The time was 11 am. I had to meet him at the greyhound, butterflies had taken over my stomach. I tried my best to wear my cutest outfit but it turned out my second best. After I finally settled on what i was going to wear and how to have my hair, I leave my house....It is now 12:30. Thank God the frontrunner is running late, gives me time to get to the train station. I get there 20 minutes later. I pull up in the parking lot, and there he was; standing there like the Marlboro Man but with a ponytail. He blows out his cigarette smoke leans towards the car and said "You must be Angel" and in that instant i was in love. His hazel eyes and his cute little West Virginia accent lol so we decided to make it a coffee date so we headed for Grounds for Coffee. He got a plain coffee and i got my regular mocha cappuccino. With every sentence I fall for him more and more but there was a screeching halt in the love for just one second: when he made a silly joke; his laugh sounded like George Bush....ick. But i try to look pass it and enjoy my coffee. He start to really hit if off so we headed for Denny's to have "breakfast". I take more interest in his stories, he intrigues me, makes me laugh, and makes me wonder what he looks like naked. All the things that make sure a guy has when i date him lol

After Denny's we still wanna see more of each other so what is the other thing you can do in ogden??? The Newgate Mall.....So we head there......But before we can even step foot inside the doors, I get a phone call from my mother and she brings drama......sigh. So the both of us are disappointed that we have to end the date early. But he suggested that after the so-called-crisis is over, I should just meet him at his house and we would check out some stuff there. I agree. Two hours pass and I'm itching for this "crisis" to be over and then i get a text from him: I'm still in Ogden, don't worry. I can't wait to you see again. I get the biggest smile on my face and in my heart. Thirty minutes later, I'm back in his presence, all is right in the world it seems like. We get to his house. Movie Time. Our First Movie. Grandma's Boy----Funniest Movie Ever! We only get through half of it until we both fell asleep. It feels like I should of been there all along. Sunset arrives. The sun harms my body and blinds me all at the same time. I woke up in his arms. He makes me feel safe already, i knew this feeling would last. He woke up and kissed me on my forehead. Best kisses ever!

I just have to say that is one of the best first dates ever :)

Something Wicked This Way Comes......

.........So here it is almost eight in the morning and what am I doing??? Starting my very first blog folks, yes I know, it is about time I hear the voices in my head saying to me and to that i say hey shut up voices in my head!!! You are the reason why I am this damn early in the first place, I should be sleeping like any other normal person on a Saturday morning....But if I was "normal" I wouldn't be talking to myself in the first place. But I am totally getting of topic here :)

"So why so long to join us?" You interwebers ask me....Well I thought it was finally time to join the cool kids and see what this whole blogging thing was about. Plus, if one more person asked me if I had a blog I swear I was going to take the hip coffee that they got from Starbucks and throw it in their face and tell them to blog about that....Well that and plus I'm really really bored lol

But i cant promise you Pulitzer Prize winning stuff or anything like that. Just looking for another creative outlet to express my ramblings and so forth. And I think it would make me look better than just to scream it on the corner...You know not so "crazy-like". But I am gonna try to get some sleep....Wish me luck Interweb!!!